"Look and see, for everyone is coming home!" Isaiah 60:4

Monday, May 9, 2011

May 10 - A More Serious Post

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me.

On one hand I have so much to be excited about and so many blessings to be thankful for.

On the other, tomorrow marks the day that 1 year ago I lost our 3rd child. I still consider that baby ours, even though s/he is with the Heavenly Father now.

I miss that baby dearly.


 An odd thought, some might say. How can you miss someone you never "knew"? I guess that's exactly why I miss that baby so much. I never knew anything about him/her, only that s/he existed. Not until I too go home will I be able to know who that little would have grown in to. I'll never hear a laugh or see a smile, feel a hug or smell that sweet baby smell.

I decided to name that baby (with Dylan's approval) Josiah Elim Stewart. I'll refer to as Jo, because we don't know the gender. Part of this was for closure for my heart, and part because this baby is real and I felt s/he deserved to be recognized.

I experienced something new when I walked through those first few weeks and months after. First came the depression. It was immediate, and it scares me how sudden it griped my heart and mind. It lasted for about 2-3 weeks, the worst being the first few days after I lost Jo.
Then came the condemnation. When I started talking about it, there were times I felt like I couldn't really say what agony my heart was feeling. I so badly wanted to.  But I felt like what I was going through was only to be spoken of in hushed tones and only with people who have gone through the same thing. It angered me that a miscarriage was almost seen as something that shouldn't be that emotional. That I was wrong for feeling such loss. That there was no way I could have developed that kind of love for a baby in such a short period of time (We knew we were pregnant for only 2 days).

This kind of love is unexplainable, especially in a world where relationships are extensions of our desire for immediate gratification. This baby had done nothing. And yet, I would have fought to my last breath to protect Jo. There was nothing this baby had done to make me love him/her. It was the same with my 2 older children. Both of them I have loved from the second I knew of their existence. It's a mother's love and like I said, if you haven't experienced it for yourself, it's unexplainable.

A few months after, we did have friends that we sat down with and they picked our brains about our experience. It was a good outlet to express my feelings and anguish, even to the point of how the Church should be talking about it more, letting families know how to look for help, to not hesitate to tell a pastor of what you're going through, to know that you wouldn't be seen as odd for feeling your sorrow, especially when we say we value life at all stages.

In the year since Jo went home, I've had many times to reflect on what s/he was here to teach me. First that God's timing is perfect. Becoming pregnant in May was not my ideal time because I knew I wouldn't do well in the winter when I was 9 months pregnant. Winter is hard for me as it is, but with all the hormone fluctuations, I felt it would be even worse. But once I got out of my own head, I saw that though I couldn't do it on my own, God could. Second, that I would so love to have more kids. I don't know how many more. I like even numbers so 4 would suit me well but I am willing to leave that door open now and let God bring in as many as He sees fit. Third, that there should be no condemnation for families going through such a thing. That your sorrow is real and ok to feel because of such a loss.

Please be in prayer tomorrow. We have many things going on and when I get overwhelmed with life, I tend to shut down. I thank all my friends and family for such support you have shown me through this, especially my husband. He's been my rock and my biggest support through this year. I've talked his ear off for countless hours and couldn't thank him enough.

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