"Look and see, for everyone is coming home!" Isaiah 60:4

Monday, November 12, 2012

Speaks to my Soul!

New Life Worship's Great I Am

 Natalie Grant's Alive

These two songs have been speaking to my heart lately. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do! New Life Worship's song especially has been one that brings me to tears. I'll be having surgery next Monday, so please pray for me this next week!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Where I've been....

So much for being around more often...

Things, as they are for most people, have been busy.

I don't know where to start. Adjusting to 3 kids has been a bit of a chore. I don't parent Duncan the way I did for Isabel and Shawn. Some of that is stripping away the mistakes, and that's a good, wonderful thing. Some of that is out of necessity to keep my sanity with 3 children at home. Some if it is in bad habit to cope with life lately.

Honestly, I've been struggling until recently.

It started around a day or so after I came home from the hospital. As I was laying on the couch, I had the baby next to me and we fell asleep. Next thing I know the baby has rolled off the couch and on to the floor. He was not hurt at all, just startled. Of course I was terrified and furious at myself for making such a stupid mistake! I've raised 2 older children and would have never made such a mistake! How could I forget how to be safe with a baby? That was the first day I was scared I would hurt my baby again.

I began having irrational thoughts, wondering what would happen in a given situation, what would happen if I died, what would happen if he was hurt or died with me. I had some other physical symptoms too and was sure I had postpartum depression. But I kept it hidden for a long time and things started getting worse and worse. I was not myself anymore.

I finally told my husband what I was feeling and debated for a long time whether or not to go into my doctor. A friend confided in me her struggle too with similar feelings and symptoms and urged me to go get checked. Hearing her struggle helped me feel like I wasn't crazy. With her urging, I decided to go see my doctor.

Certain I knew what she was going to say, I told her what was going on and that I was willing to persue any treatment that was safe for both me and my baby. Along with her recommendations, she ran a full blood panel in search of vitamin deficiencies, which could contribute to my "depressed" feelings. I got the results a few days later. My symptoms were confirmed on the blood work, but there were no vitamin deficiencies. She told me I had hyperthyroidisim.

I scheduled an appointment with an endocrinologist and had additional bloodwork done. At first my endocrine thought what I had was postpartum thyroiditis. Thank God, I thought, that this will be over soon! My symptoms were a battle daily as I had yet to be prescribed any medication, which is the typical course of action with postpartum thyroiditis. It's thought to go away on it's own eventually. After the bloodwork came back my endo called me again with the news that my hyperthyroid was in fact permanent. I have Grave's Disease.

And so began the battle of medications to prescribe me. I am still a nursing mom and plan to nurse as long as I can. So of course I would want to make sure that the medication I'm taking will be both safe for the baby and myself. The first medication I was given my doctor had to check on it's safety to use while nursing. She confirmed it was indeed safe to use. I called my son's pediatrician about it and got a conflicting report. They said it was absolutely not safe to use while nursing. A higher percentage of the medication leaches into the milk, and though it's not shown to cause any harm to nursing babies, doctors warn against using it in pregnant women due to birth defects. That does not sound safe enough to me.

My son's pediatrician gave me the name of a different drug to use that is compatible with nursing. When calling my doctor on it, she said she declines to prescribe this second drug because it's been shown to cause liver complications. But thankfully, she was willing to prescribe it to me with the caveat that I would watch for symptoms of liver complications. A small price to pay to have a medication that was safe for my baby and will allow me to nurse! Praise the Lord, we're finally on to something!

I was able to take my nursing compatible medication for two weeks, and started having symptoms of liver complications. It really wasn't anything scary or painful...just some random symptom, but since my doc wanted me to pay strict attention to it, I knew I would have to notify her about it. As soon as I had notified her about it, she took me off my med completely and ordered more blood work. For four days I was off my medications as I waited for the results to come back. While I was waiting, God was gracious and merciful and I didn't have a single symptom until the last few hours before I was able to start taking my meds again. The results did come back clean and my symptom was chalked up to something I ate...LOL!

Suffice it to say it's been a bit of a roller coaster around here. Having to deal with the depression and anxiety symptoms, in addition to some other physical symptoms is quite exhausting. Dealing with this on top of everyday life with three children and a husband makes it even more exhausting. So. . .I've been trying to stay on top of everything and in most cases, failing miserably. Blogging has just not been part of what I'm staying on top of.

People have been asking about our adoption...We are still adopting, but it's being put on hold right now. It was on hold for a while to give us time to focus on Duncan. Now we're on hold to give me time to get to my new normal. I am able to say now that I can see some improvement since being on my medicine. And I feel very blessed to be able to get back to myself. I still have some improvements to make, mostly in my personal life. While I was coping with symptoms, I created some bad habits that I'm now trying to break. I am still learning to deal with emotions, which is getting easier to bear and I am thankful for that.

Going forward from here I am hopeful for many things. This has brought me closer to God and I am excited about growing in my relationship with Him even more. I'm also looking forward to having more energy throughout the day, and to get on with life, including the adoption.

I do so hope to come back here and have the time to blog more often. There is so much more besides the adoption that I want to cover. The day to day stuff is important to me and I want to get it on here. Please bear with me, and thank you for being patient with me as I figure this out again.